delphij's Chaos

选择chaos这个词是因为~~实在很难找到一个更合适的词来形容这儿了……

24 Feb 2004

A clarify about the #100 blob and why I have chosen to leave

There are many friends of mine have asked me to clarify the blob #100. I am not intending to make this issue a public one at all, however, I want to ask you not to give any pressure to the person who has triggered my decision, after all it was my fault, not anyone else’s.

The suspension of some of my current work is related to an incident happened yesterday, but well, trust me, it was not the root cause. I am really tired of these things and I must have a rest.

Some of you may be already aware of part of the whole affair. Being responsible to myself and her, I do not want to publish full detailed information in such a basis here, it is not only unfair for the both and will more likely to generate even more disservice.

The incident itself is quite simple. To conclude it in one sentence, she has told me that she has a boyfriend already; in addition of this, she said that she can have two boys in her heart, but can not fall into love with both in the same time.

The statement itself is not surprising. I am not really sure whether it is true, but I tend to believe this, while there are some really problematic logical consequences. Well, I am really tired communicating with her in the last two months, and this permits me to have a break, at least a break.

I am really happy to see that this is the reason she gave me to explain why she could not be with me. In my opinion, this is much better than saying “I am a boy, in fact” :-)

Beside this, the “I can have two boys in my heart”, however, is not acceptable in my opinion. If she says “No you can never be my boyfriend because I already have one, we can just be friends”, then I will keep the current relation with her, and will do nothing to change the situation.

It is really a shame that I have acted as an intruder into two persons who loved each other deeply. I am an emulative person, but I do not want to take part in such competition, I am not a cracker who intend to disrupt others' weal, I am really unhappy to see her to say something like “I love you too”, “I can have two boys in my heart” while she already has a boyfriend.

I believe that this is a non-solvable disagreement between me and her. An “I can accept you too” statement meant I will be potentially a cracker of their love, being that is not a happy thing. I do not think I am a moralist; I have many bad personalities which sometimes really causes others to be sad, angry, etc. However, I am trying to avoid all these things by doing my best to, at least, persons I liked.

Personally I believe that leaving her as soon as possible is the easiest solution to solve the current situation. This requires me to disappear from the public, and it adds a strong supportive reason to the decision in blob #100.

She asked whether we can still be friends, I answered:

“It depends. Considering that you already have a boyfriend and you still said something like ‘I can accept another boy in my heart’, it is not persuasive I will not be a bad influence of your love. I do not want to compete with him if you loved each other so deeply, it is not fair for me, and not fair for you as well. Competitive must be based on a Fair-Play basis; hence, I am more likely to be disappeared from the world you can easily find.”

She did not reply a word of this at present, after I have posted the letter to her this morning, and I believe that she has read the letter. We all need to be calmed down.

Well, this is some personal disagreements, but they are not because some “angry” or similar things, which all you know, could not easily influence or change my mind.

I am not sure whether I should commit the decision, still thinking about the potential influence it will cause. After all evaluation was done, I will make a final decision, however, while this is not the final decision, it is, at least, my intention.

Please note that the decision was not simply because “Angry with someone”, “For a girl who even did cheated you”, or else. It is my entire fault, not someone else’s. The main reason of why I want to give up all these posts is because the lack of time and overload, that is all, so please does not do some hypothesis on this; also, never blame her if you know her. I have made so many wrong decisions in the last four months and this is my deserving punishment.